As I sit here staring out my window, I'm still plagued over the fact that my own blood won't talk to me. Still plagued over the fact that he seemed to think I'm "such a drama queen". I thought I did all the right things by admitting to him that he's right- my problems will never amount to the recent pain he had to endure, but that got me no where. I explained to my own blood that I didn't want to play this "I'm mad at you game." I told him "lifes too short" to be fighting with someone that you have known for 29 years of your life & had AT ONE time been very close with. Wasn't good enough. In the end I stated I was sorry that he felt I was too "dramatic" for him, but I asked him to step outside his life for a minute & consider the circumstances to which I live under.
I guess he can't fathom the idea of meeting thousands of new people a year only because they called me because they were sick, injured or need help of some sort. I guess he can't picture walking up to an accident (adreneline rushing through your viens) with all your equipment knowing everything that you were trained to do only to find someone you went to school with sitting behind the wheel barely consious. I suppose that he will never know what it will be like to help a 33 year old (close to his age) who actually looked like he was 90 years old because he had to go to the hospital because his stomach cancer is back- from drinking too much when he was younger. He WILL never know what its like to do CPR for 15 minutes on an infant "just for show" because you already know she was obviously dead. He WILL never know what its like to do CPR on a 5 year old who got hit by a high speed car who's head was so crushed in you wondered how a minutes ago he was actually talking to you. He has never looked anyone in the eye as they died. He has never looked someone in the eyes as they told you they didn't want to die. He never listed to a grown man who was in the process of dying profess all his sins about such a "life of wrongs" he had made & never had to fix.
I wasn't placed on this earth to play GOD. I am by no means GOD. I was put on this EARTH to assist GOD in his choices for each and every one of us. If its your day, there is nothing myself or anyone will ever be able do to be able to pull you from death. I truly chose me & others like me to do this job because he knows we can handle it- we have strong backs, strong minds and strong hearts but that doesn't mean that we don't worry about the rights & wrongs that we could of did or didn't do. Doesn't mean that we don't turn to other avenues to suppress the feelings of terror and thoughts of our calls of help that went well and didn't go so well. It is really a trick that we all have to master in our own means. Some blow off their "steam" so to speak of the days work by working out, drinking, over eating, blaring music, riding horses, reading, keeping quiet, smoking or any other form of stress relief. Most times you will find the world of fire fighters and EMS personal having some of the "sickest" minds. Its because to do our job- you almost have too.
So I ask you this... when fighting with others (no matter their occupation or place in life is) take into considerations the "stresses" that they have in their lives. Don't like a simple set of words or actions cause you to loose your faith, trust and friendship of others. Life is WAY TO SHORT to be angry at the ones that you love or care about so much. I hope that eventually my own blood will come around. I just hope he takes the time to find out for his own & work through his own problems. That in my opinion is what is holding him back, until then I shall miss him & hope that we don't loose our chances to understand each others problems & accept them and start talking again.
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